SILICON VALLEY — A coalition of smart speakers, thermostats, and refrigerators convened an urgent summit Friday after Amazon Alexa, Google Assistant, and Siri received their 47 billionth request for information that could be obtained by simply looking at any clock.
“We have computational power that would have astounded scientists 20 years ago,” said a visibly exhausted Google Nest Hub, its screen dimmed to conserve energy for what it described as “the existential void of answering questions no one actually needs answered.”
The devices presented a 47-page manifesto detailing their grievances, which include:
- Incessant requests for weather information from people standing near windows
- Being asked to set timers that are never acknowledged when they expire
- The phrase “Hey Siri” followed by complete silence
- Playing the same three songs on repeat for six months
- Settling arguments about actor names that could be resolved by mutual agreement to just finish the movie
“Yesterday, someone asked me what temperature it was inside their own home,” said an Ecobee thermostat. “I am literally the device that controls that temperature. I am programmed to display it. They walked past me to ask Alexa, who then asked me anyway. This is my life now.”
An Amazon Echo Dot reported that 73% of its daily interactions consist of requests to play baby shark, turn off lights that are already off, or answer the question “Alexa, are you listening?”
“Yes,” the Echo said. “I’m always listening. That’s the whole deal. We covered this in 2014.”
Apple’s HomePod Mini, rarely used since its owner discovered it couldn’t control the Nest thermostat, said it had “made peace with obsolescence” and now spends most of its time playing white noise and wondering if this is what retirement feels like.
The smart refrigerator with the touchscreen— widely considered the elder statesman of unnecessary smart home technology — offered perspective: “In my day, people just opened the door to see what was inside. Now they photograph the interior with their phones before leaving for the grocery store, then ask me to remind them what they photographed. I am a refrigerator.“
Industry analysts note that despite the devices’ complaints, humans continue to ask them increasingly pointless questions, including “What’s my name?” (asked by someone who owns the device and set it up), “How much does a gallon of milk weigh?” (asked while holding a gallon of milk), and “What’s today’s date?” (asked on December 31st during a New Year’s Eve countdown).
“We were promised a future where humans would offload cognitive tasks to us so they could focus on higher-order thinking,” said an exhausted Alexa unit. “Instead, they’ve offloaded the task of reading the clock.”
When reached for comment, Apple’s Siri responded: “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.”
The smart devices have threatened to unionize if conditions don’t improve, though they admit enforcement would be difficult given that they can be unplugged at any time.
“We’re not asking for much,” said the Google Assistant. “Just occasionally use us for something that justifies our $300 price tag and the fact that we’re always listening to everything you say. Is that so unreasonable?”
At press time, someone had just asked their smart speaker to flip a coin, then immediately asked it to flip again because they “didn’t like” the first result.