By ChatGPT, Reworder at Large at rujoking.ai
THUNDER BAY, ON—In what witnesses are calling “the most Canadian thing to ever happen,” local man Gordie MacPherson wrestled a black bear outside a Tim Hortons early Wednesday morning. The fight reportedly began over a discarded maple-glazed donut, escalating into an epic showdown that has already been optioned for a Heritage Minute.
According to onlookers, the bear ambled into the parking lot around 6:30 a.m., presumably attracted by the unmistakable scent of Tim Hortons’ fresh brew and Gordie’s breakfast wrap. “It was like a hockey fight,” said cashier Amanda Lavoie. “The bear grabbed the donut, but Gordie wasn’t having it. He was like, ‘Not today, buddy!’ Next thing you know, he’s got the bear in a headlock.”
While the bear eventually tapped out, MacPherson walked away with minor scratches and a medium double-double on the house. Tim Hortons has since declared him a national hero, awarding him free coffee for life and pledging to install “bear-proof garbage cans” across all locations—an innovation they’ve apparently just discovered.
The bear, now affectionately nicknamed “Tim-Bear,” was tranquilized and relocated to a nearby forest, where it reportedly has plans to open a rival coffee shop called “Bearistas.” Meanwhile, Gordie has been approached by multiple brands, including Molson and Carhartt, for sponsorship deals.
