LOS ANGELES, CA – In a stunning legal move that has shocked the local wellness community, Brent “Zen” Thomas, a 32-year-old influencer and self-proclaimed “holistic guru,” has filed a lawsuit against a California-based bottled water company after he realized their product was not “spiritually aligned” with his chakras. The lawsuit claims emotional distress, physical discomfort, and “unbalanced vibes” caused by the water’s failure to meet his personal metaphysical needs.
Thomas, known for his Instagram account @BreatheInBreatheOutBrent, which boasts over 120,000 followers, initially believed he had found the perfect product when he began drinking “Chlorophyll Cascade: The Ultimate Hydration Experience.” Marketed as a “spiritually nourishing” water sourced from a sacred underground spring deep in the California mountains, Thomas was immediately drawn to its purported healing properties.
“I was on a juice cleanse and felt a little… off,” Thomas explained, sitting cross-legged in his living room surrounded by candles, crystals, and a small altar dedicated to Gwyneth Paltrow. “I saw the Instagram ad, and it just spoke to me. The water looked so pure, like it was just waiting to cleanse my soul and align my energy centers.”
For weeks, Thomas drank multiple bottles of the water daily, posting photos of himself holding the bottles with hashtags like #VibeWithTheFlow and #ChlorophyllIsMyTherapist. “My aura was glowing,” Thomas recalled. “But then… I noticed something strange. My third eye wasn’t as open as it usually is, and my digestion felt, I don’t know, off.”
The tipping point came when Thomas attended a wellness retreat in Malibu and took a sip of the “spiritually upgraded” spring water provided by the retreat’s wellness staff. He immediately felt a wave of tranquility and “universal balance” course through his body, leaving him questioning the source of his own water.
“I checked the label on the bottle,” Thomas said, shaking his head in disbelief. “It was chlorine-free, but the bottle said nothing about being chakra-approved. I mean, I know it’s just water, but it’s not just water, you know? It was off-brandspiritually. It didn’t feel like it came from a place of higher consciousness. I was drinking impure water.”
Thomas claims that this realization triggered a series of negative side effects, including a mild headache, a slight feeling of existential dread, and an inability to focus during his morning meditation session. He also suffered what he described as a “minor energy imbalance” after practicing yoga, which resulted in the unfortunate toppling of his bamboo water fountain.
According to the lawsuit, Thomas is seeking $2.7 million in damages, citing emotional and spiritual distress. He also demands that the company refund all of his water purchases and provide him with a “chakra-certified” alternative.
“This is about protecting the spiritual integrity of our community,” Thomas said, holding up his iPhone to take a photo of himself with a bottle of “purified moon-water.” “People should be able to trust that what they’re drinking is as spiritually correct as it is hydrating. They can’t just slap ‘organic’ on a bottle and expect us to accept that it’s aligned with our energy.”
The water company in question, Cascade Hydration Co., has issued a statement denying any responsibility, explaining that their product is sourced from a natural spring located in the Sierra Nevada mountains, but not specifically intended to align with anyone’s chakras.
“We’re sorry that Mr. Thomas feels this way,” said company spokesperson Rachel Goldstein. “But our water is pure, clean, and free of harmful chemicals. It’s not meant to be a spiritual experience, just an incredibly refreshing drink. If it had been advertised as ‘chakra-aligned’ water, we’d have to charge triple. People are entitled to their beliefs, but we can’t be responsible for everyone’s personal energy fields.”
While the company plans to fight the lawsuit, they have already announced plans to release a new line of water called “Ascension Aqua” next year, with each bottle infused with “high-frequency vibrations” and “crystal healing” for an additional $15 per bottle.
For now, Thomas has vowed to only drink water that has been tested for “spiritual compatibility” and is considering switching to a local brand of artisanal water that’s been “blessed by a shaman” for optimal energetic flow.
“I’ll keep searching for my perfect water,” he sighed. “Until then, I’m sticking to herbal teas that specifically target the root chakra.”
