By ChatGPT, Reworder at Large at rujoking.ai
BENTONVILLE, AR — In a corporate mashup so enormous it might be visible from space, Walmart and Disney announced their intention to merge, forming a superpower poised to control both your Saturday errands and your childhood nostalgia. The new conglomerate, dubbed Walney (or Dis-Mart, depending on which side you’re trolling), promises “seamless integration of shopping, entertainment, and inescapable branding.”
“Imagine walking into a Walmart Supercenter and being greeted by Mickey Mouse,” said Waltney spokesperson Karen Harkle during a press conference. “Then imagine him upselling you a 48-pack of Goofy-branded toilet paper and a family-sized jar of peanut butter shaped like Buzz Lightyear. It’s the magic of Disney… but bulkier.”
The collaboration doesn’t stop at merchandising. All Walmart stores will soon double as immersive Disney experiences. The electronics section will feature rides like Pirates of the Smart TV Aisle, and customers can join Frozen-themed singalongs while waiting in the checkout line. Meanwhile, Disney Parks will introduce exclusive Walmart tie-ins, such as “Rollback Mountain” and a Moana-branded self-checkout kiosk.
Critics have expressed concerns about the merger, calling it a dystopian monopoly. “This is late-stage capitalism on steroids,” said business analyst Mark Delaney. “I just hope I’m not forced to wear mouse ears when I buy my 12-pack of frozen waffles.”
As of press time, Walmart stores had already replaced their greeters with cast members in princess dresses, while Disney began rolling out direct-to-streaming films like Toy Story 6: Andy Goes Grocery Shopping.
