Mahale Mountains, Tanzania

In a groundbreaking discovery that has rocked the scientific community, researchers have uncovered evidence that a group of chimpanzees in Tanzania’s Mahale Mountains National Park has not only developed sophisticated tool use but has been operating an unauthorized liberal arts institution deep within the jungle, dubbed by locals as “Nkungwe University” after the park’s highest peak.

The prestigious institution, located in what researchers describe as “the upper-class canopy between Lake Tanganyika and the Mahale Mountains,” features multiple academic buildings ingeniously constructed from fallen branches and strategically placed vines. The campus centerpiece, a massive hollowed-out baobab tree known as “Old Main,” sits at a prime location overlooking Kasoje village, serving as both the administrative building and primary lecture hall.

“We first became suspicious when we observed a chimp wearing tiny wire-rimmed glasses and carrying what appeared to be a leather messenger bag near the M-Group’s traditional territory,” said Dr. Sarah Williams, lead researcher at the Institute for Primate Studies. “Then we found their poetry journal in the Fine Arts Banana Grove just north of Bilenge.”

The campus boasts several distinctive features, including:

• The Jane Goodall Memorial Library, housed in an interconnected network of tree hollows along the Kavuu River
• The “Silverback Stadium,” a natural amphitheater in the Lubulungu Valley
• The controversial “Monkey Business School,” located in the lower branches of a fig tree overlooking Lake Tanganyika
• A trendy campus cafe called “Starbranches” that serves artisanal leaf water sourced directly from the misty mountain slopes

Local Tongwe guides report that the university’s most prestigious seminars take place in the exclusive “Upper Limbs” section of campus, nearly 1,000 meters above sea level, where the air is cooler and the views of the lake are unmatched. “The chimps clearly understand prime real estate,” noted one guide, who wished to remain anonymous.

“It’s astounding,” said Dr. Williams, still visibly shaken. “We watched one chimp lead a spirited discussion about post-modern fruit gathering techniques near Kasiha Beach, while another took notes on a banana leaf using APA format. They’ve even instituted a tenure track system based on who can pick the most insects out of their colleagues’ fur.”

When reached for comment at his office in an upscale kapok tree near the Mwambo Falls, the chair of the chimpanzee philosophy department merely threw his own feces, which faculty members later insisted was a sophisticated critique of human research methodologies.

At press time, the chimps were reportedly planning to increase tuition by 300 bananas per semester and add a new athletic complex featuring state-of-the-art vine swinging facilities, tentatively named the “Mahale Mountains Branch & Swing Center for Physical Excellence.”

“Perhaps the most troubling finding,” concluded Williams, “is that their humanities department, housed in a modest cluster of acacia trees overlooking the Katumbi region, is still somehow better funded than ours.”

Local officials from nearby Kigoma have launched an investigation into the unauthorized institution, though preliminary reports suggest they may simply be jealous of the chimps’ superior lakefront property holdings.