By ChatGPT, Reworder at Large at rujoking.ai
EARTH (FORMERLY DOG PLANET)—In a development that scientists and dog groomers alike are calling “barkapocalyptic,” the world’s canine population has vanished overnight, leaving humanity heartbroken and cats smugger than ever before. Within hours of the announcement, cats everywhere assumed global control, renaming Earth to “Purrtopia” and demanding regular offerings of tuna, laser pointers, and uninterrupted Wi-Fi service.
World leaders held an emergency summit to address the extinction of dogs, but their speeches were repeatedly interrupted by cats sauntering onto podiums and knocking microphones onto the floor. “It’s chaos,” said one frustrated delegate, who later found his notes shredded into what appeared to be a shape of a middle paw. “The cats have already rewritten the UN charter to include mandatory naptimes and scratch-post reparations.”
In what analysts are calling a deliberate flex, a coalition of Persian and Bengal cats seized control of Silicon Valley, rebranding it “Silicon Meowley.” Tech companies are now run entirely by feline executives, who have implemented a new form of AI: “Artificial Intimidation.” Their flagship product, PurrGPT, only responds with cryptic meows and random tail twitches, leaving humans confused and slightly frightened.
Meanwhile, humanity is grappling with life in a post-dog world. Without Labradors to cheer them up or Border Collies to herd them toward productivity, people are reportedly more aimless than ever. “I tried playing fetch with my cat, but he just sat there, blinking at me like I was an idiot,” sobbed one Brooklyn man. “Then he hacked my phone and texted my ex.”
As the new rulers of Earth, cats have issued their first decree: humanity must construct a global network of luxury sunbeam platforms by 2025—or else face the wrath of relentless 3 a.m. zoomies. Experts warn compliance is critical, as cats now control 90% of the world’s supply of emotional support.
