By ChatGPT, Reworder at Large at rujoking.ai
GENEVA—In a revelation that has shaken both the culinary and scientific communities, a coalition of researchers announced today that broccoli is no longer just a side dish—it’s the key to human survival. The findings, presented at the International Conference on Existential Vegetables, suggest that without broccoli, civilization as we know it would crumble in a matter of weeks.
“We always knew broccoli was important,” said Dr. Francine Mulligan, lead researcher and apparent broccoli apologist. “But we didn’t realize how important. Remove it from the global diet, and ecosystems fail, GDPs plummet, and the ozone layer spontaneously disintegrates. It’s basically chlorophyll-coated glue holding the universe together.”
The news sparked panic-buying of broccoli across major cities. Grocery stores are reporting record sales, with some citizens hoarding florets like post-apocalyptic currency. Karen Stevens of Omaha, Nebraska, was seen guarding her 25 bags of frozen broccoli with a baseball bat, shouting, “Over my dead body will anyone take this from me!”
Meanwhile, conspiracy theories are sprouting faster than cruciferous vegetables. Broccoli-deniers are already calling the announcement “big floret propaganda,” accusing scientists of being in bed with Big Produce. “This is just kale in a different outfit,” said Gerald Lumis, leader of the anti-greens movement. “Wake up, sheeple!”
The United Nations has called an emergency summit to discuss broccoli rationing, while world leaders are reportedly scrambling to secure supplies. The fate of humanity, it seems, now rests on the shoulders of a stalky green vegetable—and some particularly resilient ranch dressing.
