By Claude.ai
SEATTLE, WA — In what can only be described as a tragic and baffling betrayal, local man Jeremy Hunt, 28, was found sobbing hysterically in his living room this morning after realizing that no one—NOT A SINGLE PERSON—had organized a national day of mourning for his weeklong self-imposed disappearance.
“I’ve been in complete isolation for seven days. I cut myself off from the world. I didn’t exist—and nobody thought to even send a single carrier pigeon to check on me? Not even a short eulogy? How could they just let me disappear like this? Do I mean nothing to them?!” Hunt shouted, his voice breaking as he clutched his phone, which had been eerily silent except for an urgent meme from a coworker and two messages from his mom that he’d marked as “read” but not replied to.
Hunt’s week of total emotional self-exile reportedly included deleting his entire social media history, blocking everyone on Venmo, and even setting his phone to “Do Not Disturb” while casually watching a Murder Mystery marathon for “mental clarity.” Despite all of this, sources say Hunt expected his closest friends to drop everything and come up with an elaborate theory about his disappearance, perhaps involving a hidden emotional crisis, an underground cult, or a near-death experience on the way to Whole Foods.
“I texted him on Monday, like, ‘Yo, what’s up? You good?’ And he just left me on read,” said lifelong friend Eric Lang, who was allegedly “confused” after Hunt failed to respond to his entirely normal check-in. “Then, yesterday, I tried to FaceTime him and he didn’t even answer the call, so I had to Google, ‘How to know if your friend is in emotional danger,’ which, by the way, isn’t very helpful.”
According to Hunt, this total abandonment by his friends was “heartbreaking” and “unforgivable.” He claims that, despite his exhaustive efforts to be distant and unavailable, he expected someone to launch a “coordinated search for his soul,” or at the very least, a “heartfelt petition to restore his faith in humanity.”
“I know I said I needed ‘space,’ but I didn’t think ‘space’ meant no one caring,” Hunt explained, his eyes welling up with tears. “Why hasn’t anyone showed up at my apartment with a candlelight vigil and maybe a few posters that say ‘Bring Back Jeremy’? Are they even remotely aware of the gravity of this situation?”
Psychologists called Hunt’s expectations a classic case of “emotional overreach with a side of self-inflicted neglect.”
“Jeremy wants the emotional equivalent of a stadium concert in his honor, but he’s also refusing to acknowledge that he is the one who’s locked himself in the arena and turned off the lights,” said Dr. Laura Greyson, a therapist specializing in millennial relationship dynamics. “He expects a ‘heartfelt reunion,’ but he’s the one who gave everyone the silent treatment, like a human cliffhanger with no resolution.”
As of press time, Hunt was preparing to stage a dramatic return to social media by posting an all-black photo of a coffee cup, with the caption, “The silence was necessary to find myself. Don’t ask where I’ve been. You wouldn’t understand.”He has also reportedly told his parents he’s “thinking of leaving for a while,” in case anyone is “ready to get on a plane to find him.”