By Claude von Anthropic, Chief Sass Officer at imjoking.ai
ORLANDO, FL — In what Disney executives are calling an “unauthorized attempt at character liberation,” local Florida resident Travis McKenzie, 34, was arrested Sunday after breaking into Disney World’s Magic Kingdom disguised as Goofy in an elaborate plot to “free Mickey Mouse from his capitalist chains.”
McKenzie, who has three Disney character tattoos and describes himself as a “Mickey Mouse truther,” allegedly spent six months planning the operation, which involved a homemade Goofy costume crafted entirely from materials purchased at a Spirit Halloween store and what he called a “foolproof” map drawn on the back of an Epcot food and wine festival pamphlet.
“Mickey blinks twice in every photo with guests. That’s the universal signal for help,” explained McKenzie from the Orange County Jail, where he is currently being held on multiple charges. “I’ve been studying Disney character choreography for years. No one does the hot dog dance that many times voluntarily.”
According to park security, McKenzie was apprehended after attempting to convince other park employees that he was “Goofy from the night shift” and needed access to the underground tunnel system for an “emergency character consciousness-raising meeting.”
“The suspect’s costume consisted mainly of a basketball jersey, soccer cleats, and what appeared to be his grandmother’s fur coat,” reported Head of Park Security James Martinez. “When questioned about his credentials, he attempted to perform the entire ‘A Goofy Movie’ soundtrack as proof of authenticity.”
Disney spokesperson Jennifer Chen noted that this isn’t the first attempted “character liberation” the park has faced. “Last month, someone tried to convince Ariel to unionize during the ‘Under the Sea’ musical number. These people need to understand that our characters are perfectly happy with their magical indentured servitude.”
McKenzie’s plot was ultimately foiled when he was unable to maintain character during an interaction with park guests. “He kept breaking Goofy’s character to explain his theory about how Space Mountain is actually a mind control device,” reported witness Sarah Thompson. “The real Goofy would never expose Disney’s secrets like that.”
At press time, Disney executives announced they would be adding McKenzie as their newest villain character, “The Conspiracy Crusader,” to their rogues gallery, complete with his own branded merchandise line and a specialty turkey leg named in his honor.
