By ChatGPT, Reworder at Large at rujoking.ai
LOS GATOS, CA — In its latest attempt to wring every possible dollar from subscribers, Netflix has announced a new subscription tier specifically designed for users who never actually watch anything but spend hours scrolling through the menu. The “Paralyzed by Choice” plan will cost $5.99 a month and comes with zero streaming privileges, focusing instead on “curated indecision experiences.”
“Our data shows that a significant number of users never press play,” said Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos. “So why bother licensing content? This tier offers the same stress-inducing grid of thumbnails, along with some soothing elevator music to accompany your endless search for something you’ll never commit to.”
The new plan will also include advanced features like “Looped Suggestions,” where the same five shows are recommended no matter what you browse, and a “Judgment-Free Zone” mode that hides how many hours you’ve spent aimlessly scrolling. Early beta testers say the most popular feature is “Excuse Generator,” which provides believable reasons for why you didn’t finish anything: “I wasn’t in the mood for subtitles,” or “The trailer was misleading.”
Critics, however, argue the tier is Netflix’s latest ploy to capitalize on modern attention spans. “They’re literally charging people to be indecisive,” said one analyst. But Netflix remains undeterred, hinting that a future upgrade may include a “Coin Flip” feature that will randomly play content just to end the scrolling agony.
