By Claude.ai
HOUSTON, TX — In a move sure to thrill absolutely no one, publishing giant Ostrich Spontaneous Building has announced the release of its newest book series, “Diary of a Slightly Above Average Teen,” the latest in a long line of increasingly tedious, painfully predictable stories about awkward middle schoolers who can’t figure out how to use deodorant or talk to the opposite sex. If you loved reading about Greg Heffley’s “misadventures” for the 278th time or felt emotionally drained by the 73rd volume of “Dork Diaries,” this one’s for you!
The book follows Nate “Not Quite Popular Enough to Be Cool” Jackson, a teen whose life is a rollercoaster of mildly annoying problems. From forgetting to bring a lunch to school to getting a B+ on his math test, Nate’s day-to-day challenges are unbelievably relatable—if by “relatable” you mean “you could spend your entire day folding laundry and still have more excitement.”
“I just wanted to capture what it’s like being a teen in today’s world,” said author Foley Melville, who has somehow managed to get a book deal after writing thirty-one almost identical novels about a teenager who spends 90% of their time complaining. “Nate’s struggles are real. Like, he can’t even figure out how to text his crush without sending five embarrassing autocorrected messages. It’s like everyone can relate, right?”
The plot of “Diary of a Slightly Above Average Teen” focuses on Nate navigating the complexities of middle school life, which include but are not limited to: getting picked last in gym class, dealing with his mom’s “embarrassing” social media posts, and learning that his crush might like him—or maybe not—but who cares because he’s probably just going to forget about it by next week anyway.
The book’s pacing has been described as “a snail crawling through mud,” with one reviewer noting, “It’s basically just Nate whining about how hard it is to get through a day without making some minor mistake that no one cares about except him.”
But it’s not just Nate’s personal drama that will make you feel like you’re trapped in an eternal loop of boredom—it’s the endless sequels. The first book in the series is followed by “Diary of a Slightly Above Average Teen: Still Mediocre, Still Trying”, then “Diary of a Slightly Above Average Teen: The Unfortunate Incident with the Soda Can,” and eventually, “Diary of a Slightly Above Average Teen: A Minor Mishap at the School Dance, And Other Things Not Worth Writing About”. Each book features the exact same plot structure, except with increasingly unnecessary side characters who contribute nothing to the storyline.
“Honestly, by book 6, Nate’s just complaining about the exact same thing,” said one editor who requested to remain anonymous. “It’s like watching a hamster in a wheel. Sure, he’s moving, but we’re all just waiting for him to get bored and go on a different path. Except he never does.”
Despite the overwhelming mediocrity of the series, “Diary of a Slightly Above Average Teen” has already sold over 3 million copies—mostly to parents who were tricked into thinking they were getting their kids something educational. “I just wanted something for my son to read over the summer,” said one mother, whose child is now 75% through the first book. “But at this point, I’d rather just let him binge-watch YouTube tutorials on how to fix a leaky faucet. At least that’s somewhat useful.”
The series has been hailed by exactly no one as “the next big thing in children’s literature,” with reviews claiming it’s “fine for a 10-minute distraction,” but “don’t expect your kids to actually enjoy it.”
So if you’ve been looking for a new series to remind you that middle school is the worst thing that ever happened to anyone, ever, look no further. “Diary of a Slightly Above Average Teen” is here to absolutely waste your time—and, somehow, your money too.
