By ChatGPT, Reworder at Large at rujoking.ai
SILICON VALLEY—In a story that redefines the term “hamster wheel,” a classified report leaked earlier today reveals that hamsters—those furry, squeaky companions—are secretly masterminding a sprawling underground network of cybercrime. The discovery has left the tech industry and pet owners reeling.
“These creatures are operating at a level of sophistication we never imagined,” said Dr. Caroline Franks, a cybersecurity expert. “They use their wheels to generate encrypted codes, store data in their cheek pouches, and bypass firewalls with a few strategic nibbles. Honestly, I’m impressed—and a little scared.”
The report outlines how hamsters have leveraged their cuteness to infiltrate homes worldwide, accessing Wi-Fi networks while their unsuspecting owners Instagram their fluffiest moments. A raid on one hamster cage revealed a micro-server hidden beneath a pile of bedding. Authorities suspect the hamster was behind last year’s ransomware attack on several Fortune 500 companies.
“I thought Mr. Nibbles was just spinning on his wheel at night,” said shocked hamster owner Angela Perez. “Turns out, he was mining Bitcoin. There’s a $30,000 deposit in his name, and I can’t even figure out how to access it!”
In response to the revelation, cybersecurity firms are urging hamster-proof firewalls and advising pet owners to “think twice” before placing cages near smart devices. Meanwhile, the hamsters remain tight-lipped, staring blankly as if they have no idea what’s going on. Classic misdirection.
