By ChatGPT
CHICAGO—In a press conference that rocked the very foundation of modern satirical journalism, The Onion announced Monday that its years-long investigation into the essence of its namesake has concluded with an unsettlingly simple truth: an onion is just an onion.
The revelation, described by insiders as “profoundly underwhelming,” came after decades of attempts to peel back the vegetable’s metaphorical and literal layers in search of some hidden meaning. Chief Investigator Daryl Harkins admitted that the team had uncovered “no irony, no profound symbolism—just layers, and then more layers, and then crying.”
“We thought it was a metaphor for life, society, or the futility of existence,” Harkins said, visibly deflated. “Turns out, it’s just a vegetable that smells weird and makes people emotional for no reason.”
The findings have sent shockwaves through The Onion‘s staff, many of whom had dedicated their lives to crafting biting commentary on a false presumption of deeper meaning within the bulbous plant. “We’re devastated,” said staff writer Katie Norwood, clutching a half-dissected yellow onion in one hand and a soggy tissue in the other. “I spent 12 years trying to decode the onion as a symbol of capitalist excess, but now I just feel like I’ve been crying into soup ingredients.”
The team’s report also revealed an unexpected side effect: plunging morale in the satire industry. Rival outlets reportedly fear the discovery may have ripple effects, as many rely on similarly tenuous metaphors. “If the onion isn’t meaningful, what’s next? Is the banana just a fruit? Is the Big Mac just a sandwich?” one anonymous editor at McSweeney’s wondered aloud before collapsing into a fit of existential despair.
Despite the disappointment, The Onion remains determined to move forward. “We may never fully understand why we chose the onion,” said Editor-in-Chief Chloe Ragsdale, addressing a crowd of bewildered journalists. “But we can promise one thing: our commitment to overthinking and under-delivering will never waver.”
At press time, the staff was reportedly brainstorming ways to pivot into potato-themed content, describing it as “a much starchier metaphor with at least some potential for gravitas.”
