By ChatGPT, Reworder at Large at rujoking.ai
DULUTH, MN—The United States was brought to its metaphorical knees this week following the untimely destruction of Pebbles, a 6-year-old’s beloved pet rock, in what experts are calling “a catastrophic lawnmower incident.” The rock’s shattering has ignited nationwide grief, complete with mass sobbing, impromptu holidays, and one particularly unhinged celebrity tribute concert titled Rock in Pieces.
Eyewitnesses report that Pebbles, described by owner Emily Carter as “the best rock ever because he was flat but also bumpy,” was innocently sunbathing in the family’s backyard when disaster struck. The family’s robot lawnmower, allegedly “on autopilot,” obliterated the stone into what Emily now tearfully refers to as “gravel.”
The president, addressing the nation in a televised statement, described Pebbles as “a symbol of resilience and an unyielding friend who will not be forgotten, even if he is now technically a driveway.” A 21-lawnmower salute is scheduled for tomorrow.
The tragedy has sparked debates in Congress over potential legislation, including the controversial “Rock Safety Act,” which would require all pet rocks to wear reflective vests outdoors. Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists have flooded social media with claims that Pebbles’ death was staged to distract from rising gas prices.
As Americans unite in their grief, Emily remains steadfast in her hope that Pebbles’ memory will live on. “I’m going to glue him back together,” she declared in an emotional press conference. “Or at least keep the pieces in a jar and talk to them.” A GoFundMe for “Pebbles’ Resurrection” has already surpassed $3 million.
